I’ve been wanting to write something. I’ve been wanting to write it for a while but I can’t figure out how to write it. There isn’t a good enough way to put these things into writing. And what are “these things” anyways? I’m still not entirely sure…
Recently I have found myself in a mindset of “more”. I want to learn more. I want to do more. I want to plan more. I want to help more. Just more of it all. There is a thirst within us all and when you take an initial sip to quench it, you suddenly start wanting to take in gulps at a time. That’s kind of where I am, or at least, the best visual representation of where I am currently.
There’s been an overwhelming feeling within me more recently that has told me to go above and beyond and not to settle. Not to settle for anything in my life. To seek more. And I’m doing what anyone with a very prominent gut feeling would do- i’m just following it blindly.
I was recently in a relationship. There was nothing technically wrong with my relationship but I did just say “was recently in”, meaning it is no more. Why? To be honest it was an overwhelming sense of “My darling, you are not ready to settle and coast”. Now i’m not saying that people get into relationships just to coast through the rest of life, but in this particular instance- that’s how I felt. At times it would feel like the relationship wasn’t enough; but that was never the man’s fault, even though I constantly pinned it back on him. The real truth is that my soul was longing for depth and attention and it wasn’t something that was going to be satisfied in any average human way. This longing was so much larger than I have ever felt.
I took time to pray about this feeling and over the course of several weeks I started to realize that my soul is too immature for a serious relationship right now. My soul is an infant and an infant just can’t be committed, they don’t know what that means. All I knew was I was in need of depth and in need of “more”.
So, clearly, I stepped back from my relationship… I went ahead and took the incredibly painful and difficult step to end it. The guy did nothing wrong and yet I was ending the relationship. But it was needed. I know now how greatly it was needed and I am thankful that I took that step to back up and shift my priorities around.
Being without an intimate relationship gives you a lot of spare time you didn’t realize that you wasted so easily on long phone calls filled with empty conversations, and things that just didn’t add to my daily life. The trick when you get out of a relationship though, is not to fill that time up with TV, more people, or food (trust me, the answer isn’t food). The trick is to use the time to reconnect and reestablish and strengthen an old relationship you’ve neglected while with your (ex) partner. Obviously, i’m talking about the severed relationship with God.
Refocusing on God and spending all my free time talking to Him, reading about Him, listening about Him, speaking or preparing to speak about Him- these are all things that have taken the place of the empty conversations and unproductive hours that use to just slip by. In carrying out this change and shift in focus, you begin to feel differently and see things in a different light.
It’s funny when we think back to Sunday school teachers or elders that told us once “just spend some time praying and reading the Bible and it will help you” and the younger versions of us would think “please shut up and tell me how to actually feel better”. We needed something that could be done right then and there to physically see a better outcome, when all along they were right. Reading the Bible isn’t this task I have to check off my list now… it’s something I do as part of my day in order to connect with God. In order to spend time listening to Him. Hearing a message from Him for that day. It’s like unlocking your phone and seeing “1 new text message”. It’s the same thing- it’s a message. It’s just one thats a bit more formal and takes some time to read and understand, but lets not fool ourselves, we’ve all gotten actual text messages that need the same attention. The difference is, the texts we read in passage are way more beneficial then the text you just got with the latest gossip heard through the grapevine.
Once I started spending my free time doing things that are beneficial for my soul and for my spiritual life, I started wanting to do more and more. I wanted to read quicker so I can get through more books. I wanted to have more time to pray so I can discuss with God all my feelings and thoughts. And I realize that i’m so much happier. I’m in such high spirits (thank God) and it wasn’t accomplished by hanging out with people or talking to a boy on the phone for hours. It was accomplished by diving into God and all there is to Him. It’s amazing. You start noticing your conversations have more depth, with everyone you speak to. You start noticing how much you bring up God in conversations, even though before- you never would because it felt weird. God becomes this whole entire world you just want your life to revolve around. It’s addicting. It’s encouraging. It’s vibrant. I wish I could somehow better put into words how I feel. I feel like i’m on a high. A rush of adrenaline from finally feeling what it’s like to be immersed in the Lord and all He has to offer. I pray that you will find some hope in this little blurb of emotions and try to re-prioritize your time too. And PS, I am not telling you to go break up with your significant other (bummer, I know).
Much love & happiness,
MG
The Mindless thoughts of the Mindful. 